Growing up, I was a highly sensitive child. I grew into a highly sensitive adult, which lends me to be a highly ~anxious~ adult. I get nervous easily, I don’t like loud noises or scary movies, and you don’t want to get in my way when I get hungry. I get BIG Hangry. Or as my family would say “out of sorts.” When I was a kid, I didn’t have the tools to handle my anxiety- which is absolutely no one’s fault.
Being an anxious adult has forced me to lean on coping mechanisms to handle the high stress environments that I just LOVE to put myself in (ahem… figure skating, pageantry, performance-based arts). List making and planning is my way to keep my anxious energy at bay… It all makes sense now, right?
For being a relatively mild-tempered person, I have a tough time standing still and focusing because of all of my nervous energy. I find that it’s best for me to keep busy.
Here I am again, for the second time, the reality of being Miss Ohio slipping through my fingers. The thing that took up my evenings, my weekends, oftentimes the hours I was supposed to be sleeping has evaporated. The thing that ironically used to keep me busy enough to keep my anxiety at bay was also, by nature, incredibly anxiety-driven. In 2018, I had the energy to turn right around and keep going, lobbying on Capitol Hill just a month later, and refocusing on my platform.
This year is different.
I don’t regret placing all of my energy towards preparing for Miss Ohio. I don’t regret all of the sacrifices I made to go full scorched-earth for the opportunity to change my world. It just means that now, more than a month after competition, I am lost. More lost than last year, more lost than I think I have ever been.
To put things in perspective, I have a full time job. I have a home, family and friends who care about me. I still have three more years to compete, should I choose to. I even still hold the title of Miss Franklin County. Yet, it feels like I’m scrambling for something to be my new “thing.”
But I know that’s not how I should live my life, it’s not healthy to just go swinging from one high-stakes rope to another. I know it’s time to rest.
I know it’s time to stand still.
Full honesty- I am so uncomfortable with where I am in my life right now. I go to work, I go to the gym (or I don’t), and then I go to sleep. A routine where I am not being challenged yet, not stepping out of my comfort zone, not being pushed to grow for the first time in what feels like my whole life.
I am uncomfortable without propulsion forward. I am a highly driven kind of lady, always aching for something to improve, better or grow. But for the past two years, all I have done is grow. If I keep going now, I will bend, break, and potentially never recover. I’m like that one plant in your house that just grows too tall and so it falls over… that’s me. I’m that plant right now.
I know that even here, in the stillness and the waiting, I am worth all of the dreams that I hold in my heart, even if I am not reaching for them. Not just yet.
This is where I am right now, waiting for my next adventure (not so) patiently.
If you haven’t noticed by my Instagram, Morgan Harper Nichols is basically my inspiration all day every day.
“I will have gratitude for the little things, even while I wait for bigger things to fall into place.”
I’ll try to keep it brief next time, but no promises.